If we lived in Elon Musk’s Simulation Theory world the Phillies 2020 season would’ve stunk. Yesterday, regular season Kershaw threw a no hitter in a 9-0 game. The second time they were no hit this season. The first was against Freddy Peralta and if you can tell me who he plays for then you need to get out more once the virus is done. Only 17 teams have been no-hit in a season twice. The Phillies are sitting 18-25 on the season.

What do you think Simulation theory sports radio is like? Probably people losing their minds already calling for Joe Girardi’s head and for the Phillies to trade Bryce Harper. There’s been 20 calls for a Bryce for Mike Trout trade straight up to bring the Son of South Jersey home. And Joe Giglio is waxing his dick with the leftover cocoa butter Gabe Kapler mailed him from Chinatown in San Francisco. It’s got secret Eastern Medicine ingredients to make the balls tingle and unleash the endorphins to manage better.

I want to preface this that I wasn’t high while I wrote this, butttt…


Imagine if we were in a Simulation Theory right now and there were some aliens playing with our lives like we had green diamonds above us like we’re Sims. Maybe the creator of Sims *quick fact check* EA Sports has been a bunch of aliens this whole time. I mean alien technology is lightyears ahead of ours so that would explain the graphics from Madden 2000 vs today. Sometimes I think maybe the world was less colorful back in the day when things were black and white on screen compared to the 90s when it was a distortion of color to now where everything is in HD. I don’t know. I have a hard time believing that the world was this sharp in contrast back in the 1900s with smog and cigarette smoke prevalent everywhere and factories pumping out goods before they were shipped off around the globe. What if 23 & Me or Ancestry DNA were “invented” because we’ve reached our physical peak as a human race in terms of technology and growth that we need our DNA to clone the next generation of people (again not high just aloud thinking). I just think it’s crazy technology is advancing faster in 5 years than it did from 1980-2000. We have damn droids with flamethrowers now. You show that to anyone in 1930 and their head would explode.

If we are in fact living in a simulation I’d like to give a big fuck you to the aliens for not giving me a more interesting life then the one I lead now. Couldn’t you have maybe made me Bezos or at the very least James Corden or something? Maybe even a Migos so I can rap about Ric Flair and Taco Tuesday and ad lib.

So yea after all of that let’s hope baseball comes back and it’s not as bad as the Phillies season in Baseball Reference’s Simulation Theory of the Simulation Theory (or 7th Dimension). I’m going to learn more about why I wasn’t picked to be The Rock when they created my Sim.